From the Tip of My Tongue...

Chapter: "Scott"

I wanted to post this last night, but I was very tired. Anyway, this is just a small excerpt from my book. Enjoy.

-A. Lee Rollerson

//Chapter: "Scott"//

"Well, if you decide to change your mind, you know how to find me." Darius said seductively.

"Yeah, I know. All I have to do is put my lips together and blow, right?"

"I see someone has jokes. I'm not even messing with you anymore tonight. You already have me bothered in here. Well Mr. Scott, I'm going to get off this phone, see if I can catch the rest of the news before I hop in the shower and get ready for bed. Call me tomorrow, unless you change your mind tonight."

"Alright, I'll do that. Have a good night. I love you." Scott muttered in a soft voice.

"I --," Darius paused in disbelief. He slowly slid his finger along the phone trying to locate the end button on his cell phone. When he found it, he said, "Good night," and hung up.

"Did he just say he loves me?" Darius questioned to himself. He knew that he could not say the same thing to this man. It was only sex. Yes, the sex was awesome, but he knew one thing was real, he didn't love him. Darius continued to think that night about what could have possibly made Scott feel this way about him. Maybe it happened after Scott had three orgasms last week. Or maybe it happened after the weekend in Chicago. Hmmm, maybe it was the time when... A huge grin appeared on Darius' face as he thought about that night on Scott's balcony ...yeah, maybe that was it. "Ahhh, I need a drink. Time to call Jared."

"Did I just say that? Did I just tell him I love him?" Scott was astounded by his actions. "I just told this man I love him. Not me. Not the player himself. Do I really love this guy?"

I was having a battle with myself at this moment. How was I to know what love really was? I had never been in an actual relationship. I've never dated someone longer than three months. On top of that I've always dated two or more people at the same time. Love is something I always said I wouldn't get myself into. It was a slip of the tongue. Yeah, that's what it was. So how do I tell him now? "I need a drink." Scott said as he grabbed a glass and his phone.

"Who did you do now?" Stacey said jokingly.

"Hey Lil Sis, are you sitting up?"

"Scotty, is everything okay? What happened? Please tell me you're okay?" Stacey said as she jumped out of her bed and headed towards the closet for clothes.

"No, I'm not okay. I fucked up, Stace. I told him I loved him. I --."

"Boy, you know you had me getting dressed in this bitch. What the fuck? Who did you tell you love?" Stacey questioned as she went back over to the bed.

"I was on the phone with Darius tonight and as we were saying our good byes, I told him I love him."

"Well, did he say it back?"

"No, he said good night and hung up the phone." Scott said, sounding a little hurt from the let down.

"Do you love him?" Stacey was holding her hand to her mouth as she waited for the answer. She knew if he said yes, she would scream.

"I don't know. I'm not sure," Scott said with uncertainty. "I don't think I am."

"There's only one way to know. Go to bed. When you wake up in the morning, if he's the first thing on your mind; way before you can even open your eyes, you love him."

Who unmasked love? I thought she was blind... thanks, preciate it.

So I sat around all day trying to decide what I was going to discuss tonight. [For those that are not use to my blogs, I normally won't write until after midnight because that's when my phone will quit ringing, the emails stop and there is silence around me.] Earlier today, I had two topics in mind, "Being a secure black man secure, black, _^^gay and a man" and "Can you really be too honest in a relationship?"

Well, as my day progressed, I decided against both topics (I'll talk about it in the near future). Instead, I want to talk about being in love with two people at the same time. Is it possible? Not only that topic, but a few others.

Tonight, I was hanging out with some friends I haven't had a chance to be around for a while, due to conflicting schedules (at least that's what we tell each other). Everyone is at my house and we are having a good time sharing with one another. Of course, there's alcohol. I was drinking Kendall Jackson Chardonnay and not sharing, others were drinking Heineken or Tequila Black. Now, I think it's all in me being a Leo, but I tend to notice every thing and analyze everything I see or hear. We've all been friends for a long time [well, I'm the newest to the group since I've only been in Charleston for almost two years] so we're not ashamed to say anything to one another. As we are laughing about how someone (who's name I won't exposed) almost was caught by the police for performing acts he had no business doing came an interruption...

"I think I'm in love with two kats!" All I could say to it was, "Bitch I knew you had something on your chest that you wanted to get off." At the same time, I could only pray that it wasn't one of the "Ladies of Charleston" or your city here. {Another note for those that are new to my blog, the "Ladies of your city here" are the messy one's in town. Filled with drama and quick to spill the tea. We don't fuck with them.} Questions are flying from every corner of my living room... "Who are you in love with?" "When did this happen?" "Is it ____?" ...all the while, I'm sitting back ready to laugh. Here's a room of filled with five masculine tops ready to gossip like some social bottoms {social bottoms, ADTV}.

Well the conversation went on, and I'm not getting into details about it, but it really made me think. Can a person really be in love with two people? I say yes; which is why so many people cheat. The person that we cheat with tends to possess that je ne sais quoi. The one thing I do know is they're not finding it in their lover so they seek it elsewhere. Now I'm not saying to anyone to go out an cheat. I returned my cape and turn in my player card over a year ago and refuse to open a new account...

...why carry on with an unhealthy relationship? Convience is a bitch! I've noticed a lot of couples, both straight and gay, staying in relationships only because they are comfortable. While drinking with my fam today, it was my turn to answer the question I've been avoiding since my last breakup. Why did I hang in there so long with my ex? Was the sex that good? Was he buying me things? Was I really that happy? What was it? [Once again, the social bottoms sat to the edge of their seats.] Okay, my friends know that I'm a very independent person and I don't ask anyone for anything... unless you're my momma, then that's a different story (I'm a spoiled child). But I sat back and thought about the questions I was being asked. No it wasn't about sex, because that wasn't something that occured often. It damn sure wasn't about money since I was the only one working. Why was I with this guy? On top of that, why did I love him so much? He stayed in my home, slept in my bed, ate my food and used my computer all day. Love is blind. I've never been looked upon as a weak person, so why was I having such a hard time taking that blindfold off? We tend to ignore things when we don't want change to occur in our life. I was tired of arguing, I was tired of going out on dates and realizing how incompatible we were. Here, I found a man that shared some of my interest, was able to open my eyes a little ...so I allowed him to do what he wanted for a minute. Well, the lesson has been learned. I think he came into my life for me to take something out of it. I've learned that it doesn't take a man to make me happy. It takes me being happy within myself. I always felt that I needed to be in a relationship, but after we broke up, I could breathe again.

Background art: Amel Larrieux, Make Me Whole, Infinite Possibilities, 2000

When he comes around...

***The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event

"Hello"

[in a deep voice] "Wassup?"

[with an attitude] "Who's this?"

"Oh you don't know nobody now, huh?"

[a burst of laughter enters the atmosphere] "So what made you decide to call me?"

"Was thinking about you. Wanted to know how you were doing. So wassup?"

"I'm good."

"Dat's wassup."

[dead silence]

"Okay, you called me, whatcha want?"

"Damn, it's like that? Told you, I was thinking about you. I ---"

"Man, don't even come with that now. You cut ties with me, remember?"

"Yeah, and I realized I made a mistake. I want to see you."

"Hmmm ...you must have me confused with someone else. I haven't heard from you in months. I've moved on. I have a man. So there's nothing else we need to discuss. You be easy."

[phone closed and placed on the night stand]

I'm sitting with friends having breakfast after a night of socializing with the "Ladies of Charleston" when I'm asked the Dear Abby question for the night. "Why is it men believe they can walk into your life whenever they're ready as if nothing ever happened?" At this point, I could only be me. I looked across the table, rolled my eyes, then place my fork in my mouth [all the while, pointing my left index finger in the air indiciating I needed a moment, but I would answer the question]. After I swallowed my pancake and drank a sip of water, I looked over at my friend, whom shall remain nameless, and said, "Bitch, because you continue to let him."

We all can sit back and think about that one man that had that make you do crazy shit sex. You know what I'm talking about, right? That man that called you up around 3:00 am and simply said, "Open the door, I'm outside." and like a fool in love, you slid your half-awake ass out of bed to let him in without a second thought. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that taught you all those different positions, having you thinking about it all day at work instead of focusing on your job. You know him. the same one that slept in your bed three weeks ago that you haven't heard from since. Don't think about it too hard, he's gonna call you again.

LOL. Men, let it go! What's with allowing yourself to continually be hurt by an individual you know doesn't care for you. One minute you're saying "fuck 'em" and the next you're doing just that. Why continue to place yourself in a situation that you know is going to hurt you in then end? You know that you see him once a month, all the "Ladies of [enter your city here]" see him too, what makes you possibly believe that you are or could be the only one? Take a step back, don't even focus on protecting your heart at the moment. Think about protecting your life.

Background Art: Rose Royce, Love Don't Live Here Anymore, Rose Royce III: Stikes Again!, 1978